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The greatest gift you can give someone this season is to not die in their house .47 retweets 114 favorites
Whenever I see someone jogging at 6am I think "this will not make up for the fact that you are a controlling scumbag".54 retweets 134 favorites
I have a feeling Unbroken is a touch too heavy-handed.11 retweets 44 favorites
signs things aren't going well: 1) you beg for your life 3 times a day. 2) your podiatrist is a fugitive. 3) you whisper instructions.30 retweets 78 favorites
To do list: 1) Hunt down the real Santa Claus and waterboard him until info is given regarding xmas. 2) break bread with Ombudsmen.15 retweets 37 favorites
While your loved ones have their faces buried in iphones, you could be watching my hour special In Ruins on Netflix!18 retweets 48 favorites
@EddiePepitone is a NY native whose comedy is fueled by his frustrations, at both the world & himself." - @NYTimes http://www.nytimes.com/events/comedy/eddie-pepitone-23148.html …
Bad 1st line to a novel: Tom worried about lint, the unification of Italy and how strident his children were becoming.11 retweets 66 favorites
To do list: 1) start pyramid scheme in psychiatric wards. 2) say hello like I mean it. 3) grate enough cheese to forget about debt.30 retweets 92 favorites
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