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Comedian-philosopher / Watch my special In Ruins on Netflix /
Watch the Doc about me: http://buy.thebitterbuddha.com
Are you sure you want to view these Tweets? Viewing Tweets won't unblock @eddiepepitone.
Regular Guy Tweet: Aren't funny commercials a gas! Support our troops!
Little Timmy: Mommy do you think Buzzfeed is complicit in dumbing down the population? Mommy: ( slaps him). Fuck you.
Little Timmy: Mommy all the things we have are ultimately meaningless aren't they?
Mommy:(slaps him hard) just bring me something.
Remember: YOUR opinions are the most IMPORTANT opinions in the WHOLE world! Live by that and watch your life turn to dust.
Somewhere, probably close by, is a faded celebrity. Don't turn your back. Tell them you like their work. There isn't much time. Do it.
Little Known Wine Pairing: A bold Cabernet goes well with reading of someone's demise on Facebook.
Play in my fields! Dance! Eat! Sing! ( gunshot).
The Apple Watch: Emptiness brought to a level of elegance.
4 hrs til ATC Night at @TheComedyStore presented by @JoseCuervo #CuervoComedy w/ @billburr @almadrigal @tompapa @nealbrennan @bertkreischer
On @emarty: Every word its own scratchy patch, yet the sum is seamless and fluffy. —Aleksandar Hemon, Author, of Books.
Little Timmy: Mommy is it true that we live in a surveillance state with an obedient celebrity obsessed media?
Mommy: fuck you.
Little Timmy: Mommy why don't the .001% of the population who own everything hate us?
Mommy : ( slaps Timmy hard) they go to special schools
Read this you sheep ! Chris Hedges: The Pathology of the Rich White Family - Chris Hedges - Truthdig http://www.truthdig.com/report/page3/the_pathology_of_the_rich_white_family_20150517 …
Remember: fear teaches you to be scared.
Little Timmy: Mommy why is the path to enlightenment a minefield?
Mommy ( takes long slug from bottle): because you're an asshole son.
The great personal victories that are offset by great personal failures amount to great personal so what the fuck just happeneds.
Our best efforts is all God wants from us. But not today my intangible friend. Not today.
$5 tickets to see @larainenewman @AndyKindler @eddiepepitone @thegissilent @megangogerty here: http://hollywood.improv.com/event.cfm?id=399224 … pic.twitter.com/eKV0VJ6cVn
Mom always used to say " God no! No! No! No! No! Please make it stop! No! No! No!" I really miss her.
Not only is the circus abusive to animals it's abusive to those who have to watch it.
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